They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize