dude i'm inner monologue high
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
