Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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