i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this just has baby written all over it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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