Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
