I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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