You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Who died my cat blue again?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
