HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
