Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
