Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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