I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
