So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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