I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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