I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
