I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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