Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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