So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
