More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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