Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize