If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
