he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
