there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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