Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
