Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
