Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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