Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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