Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
