Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
