Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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