remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
