it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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