mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
