I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize