I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
