...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
