my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
