they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
