if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize