he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
