He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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