On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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