I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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