i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
