Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
