my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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