I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
