I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
