Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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