I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
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