Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
