she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
