no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
