can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
