no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize