I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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