plz talk dirty to me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
