I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
