she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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