There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
