I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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