My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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