My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
